| I know I shouldnt be doing this |
[Sep. 11th, 2008|07:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Why is it that everyday im too dependable on people to make myself feel better? i call people all the fucking time for that boost of self esteem. when things go good i feel great. is this just regular depression? or is it something else? I've been living at this amazing house for the last two weeks and trying to get my car running. but was it really a good idea to move and go to school where other students are looking for work in same town as you? honestly i just want to end it. you know? maybe its just self pity I dont know. maybe it's the side
effects of not smoking marijuana anymore, i used to think it made everything better. then again its just like everything else. its all in your head. its just another made up addiction in your head. while smoking all the time, your head keeps telling you that this feels great and that you dont want the feeling to go away, then it does and you smoke more and more. before you know it you're labeled a pot head. why cant this feeling go away, is this just another lesson? or a joke? why cant be anything be a simple answer? the questions are there but the answers hide behind themselves......... please if you have an answer.....greatly appreciated. |
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| music |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|10:36 pm] |
god bless the music that has been created...
especially METAL!!!
including- slipknot, killswitch engage, etc. |
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| so damn hard |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|10:20 pm] |
feeling like something is missing but cant seem to find an object big enough to fill the void.
if u know me well enough than i think u know but then again..u might not.
i guess thats all that is on my mind for the moment.
oh and one more thing...GROWING UP SUCKS especially when ur getting evicted in less than a month because people around you that u love die from an disease that cant be cured |
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| here and now |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|04:09 pm] |
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i have a month to move out. it fuckin sucks |
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| right now |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|08:55 pm] |
right now i am just hanging out in boston for the night, who knows what is going to happen. boston is my safe place which is fuckin awsome.for the summer i will be living in bourne, than in september hopefully i will be living in brookline. my car will be all payed for and then i can get collision and glass, when i do eventually move i will park my car at the apt and drive to the cape occasionally. i dont know what thefuture has in store but hopefully it will turn out for the best. "take one day at a time" - AA |
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| escape to nothing |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|08:15 pm] |
this lie is tearing me up on the inside, wanting to cry but no tears fall. i'm not depressed, just a little sad. being judged, and disappointed by everyone and everything. i know i shouldn't care what other people think but i do and i don't it' s a complicated thing to live by and if i know you well enough than we'll talk about it. but anyway....over the past few days things have been getting better but i have no idea why. maybe it's because depression sucks. and happiness should exist no matter what happens in your life. despite if u want to go and die. been there/ done that but its not worth it at all. try to be happy all the time. nobody said growing up would be easy and it's not. it sucks. but its funny to laugh at the cheezy graduation speeches given saying how much better they are compared to you. but they can go and kiss your ass because they'll only end up dropping out of college. but who knows what you will become of if you don't pull yourself out of the gutter. only you can find out. |
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| falling apart |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the lair | ] |
| [ | music |
| | KoRn-somebody someone | ] |
everything seems to be falling apart with things going on. using self medication by smoking cigarettes and spending time with miss mary. am i drug addict and a drunk? smoking and drinking my problems away because the only other solution is suicide. craving attention wanting to cry but no tears seem to fall down the side of my face.fuck everything. things seem to be falling apart, my brother and sister are right about everything they have said over the years, i am a fuck up, a liar, a bullshitter and a loser. i was the mistake, the broken condom what ever you want to call it. feeling sadness , wanting to make it all go away but cant find a solution. who knows? hopefully it will all get better. i remember on my birthday at the end of last summer, a friend told me that 19 will be a good year because hers was but, so far its been shitty and when things dont look too good they can only get worst. do me a favor and put a fuckin bullet in my head to end this horrific pain and sadness. |
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| empty |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|08:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dope | ] |
for some fucking reason all i feel is emptiness. i no ides why but that is all i feel. |
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| just a few thoughts |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|10:31 pm] |
just chillin up in beantown with cdttt and my drummer. mad high right now. everything is going really well with my band "ikaros" things are falling into place and were still getting along together chillin when theres free time. writing new songs just having a good time. |
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| a new beginning |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|10:14 am] |
everything is all set to go. or so it may seem. the band i play in (ikaros) seems like things are really starting to come together. we took on a new guitarist who plays a 7 string and just got a new k7 so, jay and jeremy will be playing duel 7 strings in B standard. i cant wait to play another show.aaaahhhh. anyway, our drummer goes to school at new england institute of art and has learned alot about recording which is toally awsome. rather than recording at a real studio paying $$. we've just been recording in my old house due to the fact the acoustics are phenomonal. our bass player is dearly missed but, we have a sub so hopefully in the summer its back to the basement that is really inspirational and where ikaros was born last summer. but who knows what is to come with this group of amature musicians. lets all just wait and find out |
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| stuck |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|11:36 am] |
here i sit waiting for my next class to start at 11 when my second class was cancelled and there wasnt even a fuckin sign on the door which sucked a lot. stuck in the library writing this entry on livejournal. im sick and tired of the way things are going. last saturday, there was a party at my house which was totally awsome until i was told by siblings that the police have been watching the house due to neighbors complaining about the cars. my fuckin uncle couldnt even tell me himself ( what an asshole.) but back to the point... so i locked the house so no one could break in or nething like that but laura couldnt unlock the house so i went out there and unlocked it and said "wow, that was hard" and then she gets all pissed just saying " stop insulting my intellegence, its really pissing me off" what the fuck did i do to insult your intellegence. i just something in sarcasm, she does it all the time and i do it once. this is the part i hate about breaking up, the "ex" gets pissed off over little things irritating the other person. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| new bong |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
yesterday i purchased a SICK bong...it has a really nice design with 3-d lizards climbing on trees. its sick!!!!!!!!! i named it "mouse bone soup" long story ill explain if u ask me and im up to it |
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| a memory let down |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|09:14 pm] |
tomorrow morning, i am going to go and put my dog luci down. it really fuckin sucks because if my father never got his cancer than NONE of this SHIT would be happening. it hurts so much to put her to sleep because of all the memories i have of when she was a puppy. i know its the right thing to do but i just cant stand to see her go. the way shes going to look when the poison runs through her veins. so if u were one of those who hated this dog than you should be extremely happy. but if u know her like i do than just do w/e. why does this have to happen .AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCKITY FUCK BAG FUCKIN CUNTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE JUST TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| new car |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|06:39 pm] |
i got my new car and i LOVE it.
2003 honda accord
5 speed
4 cylinder, 2.4 liter
160 horse power
i try not to smoke cigarettes in it because of the leather interior and i hate the smell of them in a nice car like that.
and its a really smooth ride, nice and quiet but can accelerate unlike the trollvo. despite the trollvo was a shit box i am going to miss it from all the times of bowls, hand rolled cigs, and an improved honey dutch |
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| death trip to boston |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|06:18 pm] |
alright, i parked my car on mass ave at 1130 pm. at 820 am this morning it got towed. i went outside at 12 pm to go and get the pizza that we ordered and the car was gone. i just yelled as loud as i could. i ran back into the apt and called all these #'s along with chain smoking many cigarettes.
two hours and a pack later, i get a hold of Boston transportation in Frontage rd. around 330pm, me and jay go there while crossing the freeway and pay the fee to get the car out of the impound lot. i get to the car and theres an orange tag saying that i have to pay $55 in 21 days or ill lose my license renewal. so theres another financial problem to add to the list of shit.
the funny thing was i thought it'd be ok to park where i did because it said "tow zone during snow emergency/ friday nite street clean between 12 and 7 am" it fuckin sucked because i had waste a $105 just to get a shitbox out of the impound lot.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! |
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| its all the same |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|01:47 pm] |
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still waiting for class time to come around..just sitting here anxiously waiting...dont mind my spelling, no wonder i failed english. but yea time to go smoke a cigarette |
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| i dont know |
[Oct. 14th, 2006|10:47 pm] |
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tonite..obscurious. is that i have to live for in this time of deception |
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| mowing the lawn |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|03:48 pm] |
today when i got home from school.. i saw the lawn and its fuckin long so i decided to mow it. i know its fuckin almost winter time but it needs to be mowed. my roomates lazy but cool..i guess. its really an art if u look at in the perspective. you have to make sure the lines are even and the grass is nice and even so it looks nice |
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| in the house of troll |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|04:50 am] |
i love just being with my friends....drinking and chain smoking cigarettes in this house with all this shit that i still have to do. due to the fact that my madre dumped all the shit she left behind....she just got up in a rush trying to leave the cape all too fast. but i still have to grow up and face the music by working 2 jobs and going to school as a full time student. i have a shitty car but that soon will be taken care of at the end of this week...hopefully and i miss my family VERY much and tonight when i was talking to my two younger sisters, tears started to drop from my face and this unbearable pain just kept gettin bigger and bigger so i lit up another cigarette in hope that it will all be better tomorrow with the coming of a new day |
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| all alone |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|11:21 pm] |
in this big empty house after my mom left for arizona....its so empty and huge. its really cool but depressing in a sense. i wish my father had never died then none of this shit would be happening with my mom leaving and what not. it sucks so much on so many levels. i hate growing up especially when both parents abandon you.. in a sense.. fuck it i still have my friends |
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