| I know I shouldnt be doing this |
[Sep. 11th, 2008|07:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Why is it that everyday im too dependable on people to make myself feel better? i call people all the fucking time for that boost of self esteem. when things go good i feel great. is this just regular depression? or is it something else? I've been living at this amazing house for the last two weeks and trying to get my car running. but was it really a good idea to move and go to school where other students are looking for work in same town as you? honestly i just want to end it. you know? maybe its just self pity I dont know. maybe it's the side
effects of not smoking marijuana anymore, i used to think it made everything better. then again its just like everything else. its all in your head. its just another made up addiction in your head. while smoking all the time, your head keeps telling you that this feels great and that you dont want the feeling to go away, then it does and you smoke more and more. before you know it you're labeled a pot head. why cant this feeling go away, is this just another lesson? or a joke? why cant be anything be a simple answer? the questions are there but the answers hide behind themselves......... please if you have an answer.....greatly appreciated. |
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| music |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|10:36 pm] |
god bless the music that has been created...
especially METAL!!!
including- slipknot, killswitch engage, etc. |
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| so damn hard |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|10:20 pm] |
feeling like something is missing but cant seem to find an object big enough to fill the void.
if u know me well enough than i think u know but then again..u might not.
i guess thats all that is on my mind for the moment.
oh and one more thing...GROWING UP SUCKS especially when ur getting evicted in less than a month because people around you that u love die from an disease that cant be cured |
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| here and now |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|04:09 pm] |
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i have a month to move out. it fuckin sucks |
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| right now |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|08:55 pm] |
right now i am just hanging out in boston for the night, who knows what is going to happen. boston is my safe place which is fuckin awsome.for the summer i will be living in bourne, than in september hopefully i will be living in brookline. my car will be all payed for and then i can get collision and glass, when i do eventually move i will park my car at the apt and drive to the cape occasionally. i dont know what thefuture has in store but hopefully it will turn out for the best. "take one day at a time" - AA |
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| escape to nothing |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|08:15 pm] |
this lie is tearing me up on the inside, wanting to cry but no tears fall. i'm not depressed, just a little sad. being judged, and disappointed by everyone and everything. i know i shouldn't care what other people think but i do and i don't it' s a complicated thing to live by and if i know you well enough than we'll talk about it. but anyway....over the past few days things have been getting better but i have no idea why. maybe it's because depression sucks. and happiness should exist no matter what happens in your life. despite if u want to go and die. been there/ done that but its not worth it at all. try to be happy all the time. nobody said growing up would be easy and it's not. it sucks. but its funny to laugh at the cheezy graduation speeches given saying how much better they are compared to you. but they can go and kiss your ass because they'll only end up dropping out of college. but who knows what you will become of if you don't pull yourself out of the gutter. only you can find out. |
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| falling apart |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the lair | ] |
| [ | music |
| | KoRn-somebody someone | ] |
everything seems to be falling apart with things going on. using self medication by smoking cigarettes and spending time with miss mary. am i drug addict and a drunk? smoking and drinking my problems away because the only other solution is suicide. craving attention wanting to cry but no tears seem to fall down the side of my face.fuck everything. things seem to be falling apart, my brother and sister are right about everything they have said over the years, i am a fuck up, a liar, a bullshitter and a loser. i was the mistake, the broken condom what ever you want to call it. feeling sadness , wanting to make it all go away but cant find a solution. who knows? hopefully it will all get better. i remember on my birthday at the end of last summer, a friend told me that 19 will be a good year because hers was but, so far its been shitty and when things dont look too good they can only get worst. do me a favor and put a fuckin bullet in my head to end this horrific pain and sadness. |
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| empty |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|08:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dope | ] |
for some fucking reason all i feel is emptiness. i no ides why but that is all i feel. |
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| just a few thoughts |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|10:31 pm] |
just chillin up in beantown with cdttt and my drummer. mad high right now. everything is going really well with my band "ikaros" things are falling into place and were still getting along together chillin when theres free time. writing new songs just having a good time. |
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| a new beginning |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|10:14 am] |
everything is all set to go. or so it may seem. the band i play in (ikaros) seems like things are really starting to come together. we took on a new guitarist who plays a 7 string and just got a new k7 so, jay and jeremy will be playing duel 7 strings in B standard. i cant wait to play another show.aaaahhhh. anyway, our drummer goes to school at new england institute of art and has learned alot about recording which is toally awsome. rather than recording at a real studio paying $$. we've just been recording in my old house due to the fact the acoustics are phenomonal. our bass player is dearly missed but, we have a sub so hopefully in the summer its back to the basement that is really inspirational and where ikaros was born last summer. but who knows what is to come with this group of amature musicians. lets all just wait and find out |
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